I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?