Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*