Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Girl, same.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”