THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.