me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.