captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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Perfect
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Terribly Tuesday.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you