[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
not seeing the problem
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*