My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Sniffing the broccoli
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?