Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
It鈥檚 too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out鈥攂ut when you get to the bathroom it鈥檚 just you and your choices
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
barbara was highly relatable
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”