Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*