What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.