It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Mountain Goat : )
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park