[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
January has been Januweary
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.