If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Always a metermaid never a meter
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.