If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what