Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
She: I like Cats
He:
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
So creative 😂
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.