new wife guy just dropped
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
This was a bad idea all around
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now