[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
You Might Also Like
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese