[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You Might Also Like
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I have questions??
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Many hands make light work
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*