I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.