(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*