America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.