How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Yup.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
When you “pspspsp” too hard
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
WTF
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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Me: Same.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??