How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Day 2 of my diet
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?