*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
they finally got him. they got macavity
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.