Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.