How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You Might Also Like
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol