They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.