What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar