I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
🤣
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.