I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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are there any atheist mantises?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
This week’s mood.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.