Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.