“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
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my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’