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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”