Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Should I call tech support or pray or what
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
They did not think through this water fountain
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
We’ve all been there
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.