Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.