If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
wtf management?!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.