My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Would you wear it?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.