5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
You Might Also Like
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
<—- homeless romantic
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.