“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference