I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Legend 🤣🤣