CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.