[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.