Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
How all things should be taught/explained.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
This fish is cracking me up
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.