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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Easy enough.
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Butt weight. There’s more!
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.