Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what to do
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.