My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
There’s only one good girl here!
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
just gave your address to some spiders
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.