The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.