My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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another case of gang violins
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I wanna be friends with this person
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room