Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
peeping toms
oh you wanna fight?!
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.